One Week Later ...

Don't forget that you can click each image to make it easier to read!

Two items from Reader's Digest which I got very annoyed at: The first is about A PERFECT CHRISTMAS - I'm working on having an AVERAGE celebration, not a perfect one - I don't need to feel the kind of pressures listed in this item

 

The second item is even worse - The very idea that AGEING is something to be against - ANTI, like as if it was something toxic like smoking, drugs, or even against people (anti-social), makes my blood boil.
AGEING is not just normal, average, and a part of human life, but also such a lovely stage - peaceful, with many reduced stresses.
I love being an aged person, and deeply resent the implication that people are making money fighting against this normal part of my life.
How would these same people feel if I were to start an ANTI-BEAUTY campaign!

The FIRST INTERVIEW - I will do a separate posting on the interviews. Suffice to say it was most enjoyable, and I'm looking forward to doing more.

CHRISTMAS FAITH was the fourth 'arm' of the mind-map I drew at the beginning of the Second Diary of the project.
I was surprised that I took quite a while and considerable effort to write - and it's not very detailed even then.

Taking FAITH as a kind of portmanteau word that contains a number of thoughts, I focused on Beliefs, Customs, and Practice but felt very constrained as I was writing.

I did a bit better with CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS - perhaps because I used images instead of words.
There isn't anything original about the images - reminds me of one year when I was about eleven or twelve, I used images like these when I made my Christmas cards. My brother, who seemed to me to be much more talented than I, didn't try so hard that year, and to my utter surprise, I got more compliments than he did. It was years later that I learned in Recovery to 'endorse myself for EFFORT and not for success'

CHRISTMAS MUSIC - as it happens, the first evidence that other people are preparing for Christmas has been a few bars of Christmas music. I'm surprised I didn't come up with any more classical pieces.

Another LEFT-HAND PAGE: another indication that I am stuck for something to write.
I pose an important QUESTION in relation to my FEARS AND PANICS:
What is the WORST thing that MIGHT happen if I do the things I HATE and FEAR to do?




I define CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS - maybe a CUSTOM is what you DO, while a TRADITION involves something you HAVE.
As I listed the various things people do, I became acutely away of the effort people put in in order to make these things happen.

More Images, less text!

Don't forget that you can click each image to make it easier to read!

Not knowing what to write on this particular day, I put the pen in my left hand, shut my eyes, and let it flow.

Did it get the juices flowing? I don't think so, seeing that the next two images show me in 'escape mode'.

ESCAPE ONE
When I think about this image, I am surprised at how appropriate the holly is a way of keeping people at arm's length, without offending (at least I hope I don't offend). Will I ever lower those offences/defences (What a revelation these Freudian slips reveal!)

ESCAPE TWO
Even after spending time on the holly, I still was uninspired. I had been in the garden, and online, drooling over my latest garden passion, fuchsias, so I used up a bit more time without any visible result.

But later in the evening, watching The Late Late Show (Irish TV chatshow) my attention was caught by an item about a 'social robot'. I was wondering whether it might help me with my ORDER & DISCIPLINE challenge.

So I had a conversation to see what might come up.

It didn't reveal much, other than that I need to keep endorsing myself for effort, rather than for success (Recovery principle)

Beginning to face the STRUGGLE

Don't forget that you can click each image to make it easier to read!

The last page was about the stages of the process.
When I read up on the topic of Goal setting, I found that the terminology I was using were not conventional, but the three stages I saw were pretty accurate, that is to get to the FINAL point, there are INTERMEDIATE STAGES to be gone through, and each of these stages consists of a series of MINI-STEPS with verifiable outcomes.
This first image was done a few days later, during which time I had begun this blog.

Next image was evoked by the idea that a key part of WONDERING, might be GRATITUDE - saying thanks for small details of our lives.
In the darkness, gratitude takes effort - again a DECISION which I need to make if I am to reach the WONDER and JOY I am aiming for.









A fellow-artist remarked that with all the pages I have made, there were few direct references to my own history of Christmas.
This image shows the 75 years of my life. I was struck by the number of times I had moved house, and I wondered whether this had seriously affected me, more than I realized.

 Next image is probably the one that surprised me most - I listed the 75 years again, in more orderly fashion, and rooted in my mind for memories.
What shocked me was the number of blank years of which I have no memory. This is possibly average, but it still surprised me as I expected to remember much more.








The STRUGGLE image raises questions - hoping to prod memories, but without success.

I think at least a part of my brain is deliberately 'not remembering' - doesn't want to go over the painful past, not even if there were a certainty that doing so might give me clues as to how to proceed.




Finally, I read this quote about PEACE this morning (Thursday), and thought that Peace and Joy are frequently linked in Christmas greeting cards.
Again, I am questioning about the decisional aspect of Peace. I sense that all these concepts are linked, but so far, the linkages are blurred, unclear, and somewhat confused. But despite this, that river is sparkling!

The Project begins

This is an ART PROJECT to help me work through a challenge which I have consistently ignored/avoided.
The IMAGES are key to understanding what I am about. Click on the image to read it more easily.

Got some shiny 'table confetti' to pretty up the pages, but they turn out to be a bit fiddley, so I may not use them every time.

The word WORDING is still a mystery to me, but I managed to make 34 words out of it, and EN-JOYed myself in so doing.

The mind-map on this page aptly reflects the confusion I was feeling that day about how I might approach the project.

Even though I have subsequently had some ideas, I'm still not sure what it might look like in the end. Am thinking that probably the PROCESS is more important than the OUTCOME.

This mindmap is a bit more orderly, but still lacks the clarity I would like.

On the right you can see the dragon of my fear at facing the CHALLENGE. Will you look at the terrified expression in the eyes! I didn't plan this, it just 'dripped off the end of my pen'.


This page is an essay on JOY. I like my definition:
Joy is a mental attitude
Arising from a
DECISION
to BELIEVE (to risk accepting)
that

• The PAST was OK (even if I didn't like it)
• The PRESENT is OK (even if I don't understand it)
• The FUTURE will be OK (no matter what it brings)

This page is a conversation (somewhat convoluted) with myself, a kind of interview with myself.
At the end of it, I was a bit discouraged - it turned out to be more difficult than I expected to keep it brief, and still say what I wanted.

These are my first thoughts on what I want to get from the INTERVIEWS.

Again, the thinking isn't yet complete.

I took several hours making this page, aiming to let thoughts emerge, rather than racking my brains.

I found it interesting to think about the process of enjoying (as sparked off by hearing a few seconds of a Christmas carol.

Then I looked at the process of wondering.

The next morning, lying in bed I got one of those blinding insights - you know the sort that makes me say: But of course - I knew that all the time.

• I know how to WONDER
• When I wonder, I feel JOY
• So if I want to know JOY, 
• I have to DECIDE TO WONDER.

The final page isn't nearly so free.
I made it two days ago.
That night I had a dream about being involved in some kind of event, and getting into trouble for not pleasing the 'boss'.

I woke up feeling stressed.
Have to start WONDERING again.