December Pictures

These images (click the image to enlarge) are evidence to me that I actually did make some moments, even if I didn't let myself fully appreciate them.
Yes, in each case I had to 'command the muscles' to make myself do these things, but in the end, I have to admit that I had some marginal satisfaction for having done them.

I attended a birthday party.

I bought one piece of tinsel and wrapped it around the sculpture in our porch - making it look like a pregnant lady, appropriate for Advent!

I photographed a dawn heron on a roof at the back of our house.

I attended the winter festival 'Unwrapped' at our local art centre. The lantern second from the left is one I made at a workshop back in November.

The festival theme was Oscar Wilde's Selfish Giant, here seen as an enormous puppet.

This shows the Advent Taize service at St Dominic's, our local church. 

Again St Dominic's - this time for the annual Carol Service.










The weeping fig (ficus benjamina) serves as a C-tree - with mural of Picasso's Guernica in the background.

Zillions of Christmas cards received and displayed.
Also wrote our Christmas letter to family and friends - no idea how many emailed and posted.

The finished crib - no white lights left in the shops - maybe next year ....

Close up of the crib - after all, this is what it is all supposed to be about.

I bought and wrapped the presents - not all distributed yet - but the New Year is long ....

Lights in the porch, reflected in the glass.

Researched the 'luminaria' on the internet, and made this trial version.

This is how it looked when first lit. (Have to admit it extinguished itself soon after this image was taken, but I got it lighting again, using a better quality nightlight.

Post-C .... still ....

Reminder - you can click on the images to enlarge them!

In the end, this is how I got through the toughest days - as silent as I could without being rude!

The darkness was intense, but being in a 'star-shaped' hole probably made it marginally easier

I often get relief once the day itself has passed, but not this year.

Nevertheless, the road is long until it twists back on itself for next year!








Yes, I can hear people saying:
You fought a good fight, you didn't fail, you can endorse yourself for effort, not for the outcome.

and the shame and guilt come from accusation - who is accusing you?

But feelings/thoughts are what they are!

In the midst of all this darkness, I make up this 'luminaria'.

Despite heavy winds, and some rain, the little nightlight burned itself out, though quicker than normally.

Maybe I'll do some more tomorrow, to make up for the solar lights that never got to work.

Definitely an improvement!

As you can see in the last posting, the day didn't start well. However, I did have one list, so decided to go an buy something off that list, which I did.

However, I still felt low, so on passing a bargain bookshop, wandered in to see if there was a little something I might buy to cheer myself up.

Bonanza, I found something for almost everyone I needed to buy for.

So, even without buying for myself, I am indeed much 'cheered up'

Even better, as soon as I got home I started wrapping what I had bought, completing the task this morning. Yes, it really is true that when we make and follow through on a decision, it does indeed steady us.

Poor Santy!

On getting an email saying family members are not making Christmas lists this year.
All kinds of sad feelings.
Especially loss of a long established tradition - one that hugely helped with low self-esteem issues about buying something the person didn't like.

A bit dark ...

The spotlight idea in the previous posting reminded me of this saying of my mother's.
Sometimes the mud is so deep that it's hard to lift the head to look up!

See my little ladder - very 'bockety', not to mention how unstable the stack of things is.

Will it last till the end? ...

This image is a bit mixed up - like myself.
I was thinking I was like a big zero, but then I made myself list some of what I have been doing.

But then I asked myself WHY?

 Sometimes it's just a matter of doing something - anything - to make time pass.

Making 'lights' is not such a bad idea, especially using them to carry those important Recovery messages.

But I do admit, it was an 'odd occupation'

Tonight, I feel drained.

Not many days left, so time is limited, which is a great excuse for even lower standards than I already have.

0

Photo problems

Have had pages scanned, but blogger says I've used all my storage. Let's see if it will take smaller versions of the images I scanned. Well, that's good - wonder what the quality will look like online?

This image resulted from an altercation regarding what was going to be done about the star in the crib.

It was a week ago, and here's what it looks like now. Of course, it's not finished yet, but we are getting there - something I couldn't visualize when I was so 'worked up' a week ago.

Making a moment - a quote from a TV ad - but again, my ability to visualize how I could go about this was severely limited.
I knew it would be a good idea to lower my standards to just working on a moment - question was where to start, and in the end, I didn't do anything.

I wasn't much better the next day either and saw myself tossed about in a tiny boat with wind-torn sails.

But note, beneath the storm, the sea isn't nearly so rough!

I really liked the imagery of this quote from a business program on the radio.
So I decided each time I was feeling upset to 'shine the spotlight' on the angels - there are always angels around, not just my own angel, but the angels of all the people who made the things around me, and all the angels who take care of nature.
This was a helpful thought that made me feel a bit safer.

Marginally improved

CLICKING on an image makes it easier to read the handwriting!

This day's inspiration came from watching TV - the Irish language station TG4.
They have a series currently about the history of Irish dance, including Sean-Nos dancing in which I have an interest.
Surprising how difficult I find it to do even things I normally like when I'm in poor form (only applies to some things. I wonder why!).

 What I'm trying to show here is me wanting to hide inside the SPHERE (big LOVE, and little LOVE) - and seeing only chaos and confusion outside.
But then when I make myself be outward-looking from the security of the SPHERE, I had to admit that there are good things, even among the confusion.

 If you want to see this as a puzzle, all the words are linked in some way to the C I'm not letting myself mention.

For me solving the puzzle could mean doing something about these things. Of course, as time passes, even just a few days, I'm not totally sure just what each letter stands for!

 I've already mentioned that I use TED talks as one of my 'escapes'.
I even watch the ads from those who sponsor TED.
It was the Rolex ad that had this quote. Next time I watched, the ad had subtle differences, and later I found a print ad in Nat Geog which was different again: With the right amount of DETERMINATION, ANYONE can change EVERYTHING.

 This is me recording the good things from that journey I took unwillingly to the Square for the unwrapped festival of Christmas-tree lighting.
The lamp in the centre is one I made at a paper cutting course a few weeks ago.


This image comes from a conversation I had with one of my sons who suggested I might feel good if I finished one small art project, instead of being constantly working on big, never ending pieces.




Later on, I hit on the idea of working on the piece I did the preliminary work for back in 2010.

So last night, I re-opened the computer files, and found what I was last working on was very complicated.
I made a fresh start, and it was 0420 when I made it to bed!

The Struggle continues ....

As always, don't forget to click on the image to see it more clearly.

I'm just realizing that maybe I should enter sub-items within the posting in reverse order, rather than in narrative order as they are below.

Of course, the ideal would be if I posted them, one by one, on the day they were written - but heigh! don't be looking for miracles!

Another new VISUAL DIARY - This is the title page, made on the page my iMac went for an upgrade. All went well, no major glitches, but anxiety levels remain high - crazy since there is nothing REAL to be afraid of

I find I am doing all kinds of things to escape from facing C tasks.
Then I sometimes find a gem of wisdom (light), and don't feel quite so bad.
This TED TALK is about Janine Shepherd is about an Olympian who was hit by a truck.

I've heard this anonymous quote a number of times.

Think it's appropriate for my current 'condition' - what would be another word, not from the medical model, ... and not negative ...
state? dilemma?
What about 'experiences'?

Back to Recovery again - so often I experience this as if it was a huge challenge, instead of being an average thing that other people do over and over every day.

But I have to admit, that writing this page did galvanize my thinking, and I did go to the Square the following day, bought some small gifts, and wrapped then that evening. Should call this a RED LETTER DAY!

Also on the next day, I made a conscious effort and endorsed myself for each little action I did. Writing/recording them around the border of the page was a big part of the endorsement effort.

And note that the word EFFORT is honoured by being edged in silver!

Note the date on this page - I didn't notice that I was giving myself an extra month, until my friend pointed it out to me.
Not surprising, really, considering the ridiculous time I went to bed.